Give Yourself a Time Out!

The Time Out is a disciplinary tool used by parents to correct bad behavior.  The idea is to send a child to a particular place so that he can think about his bad behavior, or simply feel the consequences of misbehaving by having to sit still, quietly and alone for a few minutes (or what seems like an eternity for a young child).  Yet, a new way to look at the Time Out, is to give our children the opportunity to have some quiet time, in a peaceful place, to regroup and calm down, rather than separating or isolating the child as a form of punishment.  Linda Lantieri, author of Building Emotional Intelligence, Techniques To Cultivate Inner Strength In Children, encourages parents to create a space where a child can have a “time in,” a peaceful place where the child can take a break from whatever may be upsetting him, where he can foster his own ability to calm down, reduce stress, quiet anger or eliminate frustration.  This ability to find that inner peace and quiet when faced with adversity or challenges is an incredibly important skill for our children to develop, and for us to nurture in ourselves as well. As adults, I think we all need to give ourselves a Time Out (or a Time In) at least once a day, not as a form of punishment, but rather as a reward.   In a world full of noises and distractions, it is very difficult to find any quiet time during the day.  Most of us start our days in a great rush, hurrying the kids off to school and rushing to work.  And that is just the beginning.  The frantic pace, noises and distractions just keep coming -- we have iPods playing, radios buzzing, kids screaming, co-workers gabbing, phones ringing, text messages beeping, e-mails blinking, and televisions blaring.  It is no wonder that with all of this external stimulation our minds are racing and unfocused.  We are so busy trying to digest and decipher all of this noise that we often end up irritable, distracted and stressed out.

I remember when my children were little, my house was a cacophony of little voices needing something, Elmo’s World playing on the television, and at least one child crying.  During those days, the peace and quiet of my tiny clothes closet seemed appealing to me as a secret getaway from the noise.  I would think, “Would anyone even notice if I went inside for a few minutes and shut the door?”  The idea of five minutes of peace and quiet sounded quite nice to me, even if it was in my closet.  Back then, even the stillness of my bathroom was a pleasant break, until the pitter patter of little feet entering the bathroom and at least one child demanding my attention, with complete disregard for my need for a minimal amount of privacy, would inevitably turn what is usually considered a very personal space into a public forum for all to enter.  (Oh the joys of motherhood!)

The challenge then, as it is now, is to find that peaceful and quiet space for even a short time each day to gather our thoughts, center ourselves and feel a sense of calm and OK-ness that we all need.  Taking a personal Time Out could mean a quiet walk outdoors, with no cell phone calls or music playing, and simply noticing how still and quiet the trees are.  Connecting to nature offers us an amazing sense of stillness and calm.  It could also mean turning the radio OFF in the car for a few minutes and simply enjoying the calm of a quiet car ride, rather than driving with the music playing or the distraction of disturbing news stories stealing our attention.  Your Time Out could also be closing your office door for five minutes, and simply shutting your eyes and breathing.  Try it and you will see that this simple act of giving yourself a Time Out can break the chain of noise and distraction that seems to build up throughout the day.  It is also very helpful to take a Time Out in the heat of the moment before hitting send on an angry e-mail or before responding unkindly to someone in a manner you might later regret.  In those instances, a little Time Out can be incredibly useful to pause before acting, to collect your thoughts and to settle your emotions.   It is in the quiet and stillness of our Time Out that we can have the opportunity to regroup and reset ourselves, and quiet our minds so that we can continue on with clarity and a sense of calm.  So, tomorrow, Time Outs for everyone!

Important Lessons on Living Life with No Regrets

One of my favorite writers was Erma Bombeck.  She always had an amazing sense of humor about life.  Upon learning that she had cancer, she wrote a list of things that she regretted doing or not doing in her life.   I like to keep this list in my kitchen as a reminder to live each day to the fullest and to not sweat the small stuff!  If you haven't read this, enjoy!  If you have, it is always worth reading again.

If I Had My Life To Live Over

by Erma Bombeck

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

© Erma Bombeck

Simple Step #5 - Step Outside Your Comfort Zone

Our children’s lives are filled with “firsts” - their first day of school, their first soccer game, their first time riding a bike, their first exam, their first date, their first time away from home.   They would probably not classify all of these as exciting experiences, some might be considered terrifying experiences.  Yet, I admire how they march on each day into a world that is full of new adventures and personal challenges. As parents, it is often tempting to want to protect our children from this scary world.  We want them to succeed so badly that we often feel the need to set them up in situations that will only offer them the possibility of success.  This is where one of the greatest challenges of parenting lies – allowing our children to experience failure and disappointment.  Through these experiences they build their inner resilience, their ability to bounce back from whatever life throws their way.  They learn that their self worth is not defined by their successes, but by their willingness to try and to rebound from whatever the outcome.

I love Michael Jordan’s quote on the true meaning of success.  He said, “I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Unlike our children who face many great challenges as they grow, as we get older, it is easy to become accustomed to our routine and to what we feel comfortable doing.  When I turned 40, I realized that I missed that thrill of putting myself outside of my comfort zone and learning what it feels like to try something new.  So, at the ripe old age of 40, I decided to attempt an Olympic triathlon.  I always wanted to complete a marathon or a triathlon.  Each year I would come up with a million reasons why I would not be able to do it.   This time I was determined to push myself forward and accept this personal challenge.

Let me assure you that I am not a hardcore athlete.  I have always been committed to staying fit with moderate exercise as part of my weekly routine, but I was not a runner, biker or swimmer at the onset of this personal challenge.  Yet, after many months of training, I became a swimmer, runner and biker.   Look at that – a new definition of me at age 40!  I had already accomplished something.

After many months of training, the time had come to attempt my first Olympic triathlon.  This involved a .9 mile swim in the chilly waters of the Long Island Sound, a 25 mile bike ride up and down the hills of Westchester County, and a 6.2 mile run to complete the race.  Despite my rigorous training, the night before the triathlon I was terrified.  I am not a huge fan of fear and anxiety, but I am a huge fan of what happened next.  I found myself involved in quite an amazing self-coaching exercise.  I began to tell myself that I was prepared, that I had done everything that I could do to prepare for this day, that I would put my safety first throughout the race and if I ever felt that I could get hurt, I could always simply stop.  I reminded myself that it was just a race, and finish or not, I was going to try.  My family would love me just the same whether I came in first, last or didn’t finish at all.   They were proud of me for simply trying.  Most importantly, I was incredibly proud of myself.

On the morning of the race, as the sun was rising over the beach where we would start our swim, I watched the physically challenged athletes enter the water first.  Many of these individuals were without an arm or leg, or both.  I was in awe of their courage and the incredible stories of hard work, determination and sheer will power that got them to this moment.  Those brave individuals inspired me to get into that cold water and do my best.  I spent the next three hours taking it literally one stroke, one push of the pedal and one stride at a time, focusing on my breath the whole way and telling myself that I could do this.  At the top of the highest climb on my bicycle, I was brought to tears by an incredible feeling of accomplishment.  I realized that I could actually do this.

Much to my great relief and amazement, I finished!   I did not finish at the front of the pack, but I finished.  My family was there at the finish line to cheer me on and give me big hugs when I was done.  But it wasn’t their praise that I felt most, it was the incredible feeling that at the age of 40 I had done something that I never thought I could do.  I had experienced another "first" in my life.  I persevered, pushed myself and overcame my fears.   I was left with a strong sense that the human mind and body is capable of incredible things through sheer will and determination.  In many ways, I felt like a child again, experiencing the thrill of stepping outside of my comfort zone, and the pride that I gave it a try.   Just like in life, I thought, we have to have faith in ourselves, face our fears, and take each moment as they come, one step at a time, by simply putting one foot in front of the other each step of the way.

I am not suggesting that everyone should run out and sign up for a triathlon.  I am suggesting that there is great value in stepping outside of your comfort zone and encouraging your children to do the same.  It can be as a simple as trying a sport that you have always wanted to try, planning a trip that you have always dreamed of taking, or signing up for a class that has always peaked your interest.  Whatever it is, there is so much to be gained from putting yourself out there.  The only way to fail is by never giving it a try.

How Full Is Your Glass?

Have you ever noticed how many choices we make everyday?  Most of us are incredibly fortunate to live in a world full of choices.  We choose everything from what to eat for breakfast each morning or what clothes we want to wear each day, to what we want to do when we grow up or who we want to marry. On the flip side, we cannot always choose our circumstances.  Whether we are faced with great tragedy or the more mundane happenstances of our daily lives, we often feel like we are the unfortunate victims of life’s unfairness.

An important lesson that I often remind myself, especially when my children complain that something is just not fair, is the unwavering truth that life is not always fair.  I would love to look into their innocent little eyes and tell them that whatever wrong they have felt will somehow magically be made right.  As we all know, this is simply not true and is a lesson that would not serve them well in coping with life’s ups and downs.  I always feel like the bearer of bad news, the one who must deflate that balloon of childhood optimism, when I tell my children that life is not always fair.  Once they accept this to be true, however, things may get a little easier.

It is so important for us to recognize that when life’s unexpected, less than desirable situations come our way, we have a choice.   We can recognize that we may not be able to control our circumstances, but we can control how we choose to react to them.  Our choice is to either look at those bumps in the road as devastating blows that underscore the unfairness of life OR view them as unique opportunities to choose how we want to see the world.

I am not suggesting that we can avoid the pain (physically or emotionally) that may accompany our bumps in the road (or mountains as the case may be).  What I am suggesting is that we must be very careful not to add to that pain by struggling against what is.  Sylvia Boorstein explains this concept beautifully in her book, It’s Easier Than you Think, in which she explains the Buddhist notion that suffering comes from clinging.  She writes, “ [S]uffering is what happens when we struggle with whatever our life experience is rather than accepting and opening to our experience with a wise and compassionate response.”

How often do we say to ourselves or do we hear someone else say, “that’s just my luck” or “my life is just one disappointment after another” or “no one ever listens to me” or “that’s just not fair” or some other similar complaint?   If we convince ourselves that this is our tragic reality, then it becomes our reality through our own ever-narrowing perspective.  This conditioned response can make us feel powerless.  We begin to identify ourselves as the repeated victim of life’s unfairness, but we don’t have to.  We have a choice.  There is tremendous freedom in realizing that we do not have to react as we have become so accustomed to reacting.  We can take a step back and try a new perspective on for size.  Once we recognize that we may not be able to change the situation, we can choose to accept with grace and wisdom what we cannot change and react in a way that will make our lives easier and more joyful.

One very personal example of an incredibly challenging situation in my life is my mother’s recent illness.   The circumstances are what they are.  Life is not always fair.  So, I am faced with a choice.  I can look at her illness and it’s effect on all of us with regret, anger and resentment OR I can choose to take what is, what I cannot change, and look at the opportunities that I have been given.  I choose to let my troubles be my teachers.  As a result, I have learned so much. I have learned to appreciate the incredible gift of good health, the importance of cherishing each moment that I have with those who are special to me, the value in really listening to others, and the joy in simply being fully present for those I love so dearly.

When some days are filled with great challenges and sadness, I choose to focus on those little moments that I have learned to appreciate so much, in which I have found such joy even in the face of very trying circumstances.  I have never enjoyed having a quiet breakfast with my mother more than over the past few months, something we rarely get to do, even if we share those meals in a hospital room.   I have never felt the importance of holding her hand more, as she so often held mine when I needed it.  I have never fully appreciated the power of being able to breathe fully and deeply more than when I watch someone struggling to do just that.  I have never appreciated the sound of my parents’ voices more than when I make that first phone call each morning to find out how they are and am delighted to hear a cheerful, happy voice on the other end of the line wishing me a good morning.  All is right in the world when I hear happiness, optimism and the start of a good day on the other end of the phone.

Would I trade all of these lessons to make her illness go away?  Absolutely!  But I do not have that choice.  I still feel the pain of the situation – the sadness.  However, I try not to add suffering on to that pain by clinging to what I cannot change.  I also feel the incredible power of love, hope and optimism, the feeling that anything is possible.  I choose this perspective – it is the space in which I want to live and hope to share with those around me.  It is a work in progress and a challenging journey, but that’s what life is all about.

So, think for a moment, as you take a deep breath, and consider how you want to act and react to your life’s circumstances – the big and the small situations that you find yourself in everyday.   Embrace the incredible freedom we all have to choose how we want to see the world.  I choose to see my glass as overflowing.  How full is your glass?

Simple Step #3 – Slow Down

“Slow down, you move too fast, you’ve got to make this moment last.”  Simon and Garfunkel, Feeling Groovy. After a very special celebration that took months and months of busy preparation, a good friend of mine complained, “I can’t believe it is over so fast!  How do I make time stand still so I can enjoy these important moments?”  I can’t make time stand still, but I do think that the key to making those moments last is to slow down.

In our modern world, we often equate being busy with being important.  If our days are not loaded with constant demands on our time, then we feel we are doing something wrong.  There is a subtle, unspoken pride, a bragging right, in discussing how incredibly busy we are.  We often pack our days and our children’s days with activities, meetings, playdates, after school clubs, tutoring, sports, dinner plans, book clubs, and more.  No time to relax, take a walk, or even talk to each other without being distracted by doing at least one other activity (or more).  We try to jam as much as we can into our daily lives to live a fuller, more meaningful life.  But what if we have it all wrong?  What if the most meaningful moments, the connections, the important stuff is found in those quiet moments, the ones we don’t schedule into our day, the ones that we too often don’t have time for?

I think that the best way to slow down time is to simply slow down.  Clear your busy schedule a bit.  Are you or your children really benefiting from so much activity?   We want to have balanced, joyful, well-adjusted children, yet we don’t give them time to be balanced, joyful or well-adjusted.  We want to be calm, peaceful parents, but we are too busy to be calm or peaceful.

Ask your children what their favorite memories are and they will often mention some little, quiet moment they had that meant the most to them, not the jam packed days filled with endless activities, not the days spent rushing around.  Ask yourself the same question.  What are your most precious moments?   A recent, treasured moment for me was a hike in the woods that I took with my husband and children.  We enjoyed being outside in nature, talking and listening, and not rushing to go anywhere – just finding great pleasure in being where we were.

So, turn off your TVs, cell phones, video games and MP3 players.  Cancel some of those after school activities and meetings.   Make time in your schedule for more time to just be – no plans, nowhere to go.  Instead, go for a walk, read a book, tell your children a story or listen to theirs.  Even in the midst of a hectic, busy day or a special, joyful occasion, take the time to be present in the moment.  Don’t think about what was or what is to come next.  In fact, don’t think at all.  Just feel the energy of right now in your whole body.  Take a pause, a breath, a moment or two.  Slow down and make those moments last.  Those will be the moments that will mean the most.

Simple Step #2- Setting Yourself Up For Success

So here we are back in January. Our intentions are pure, our determination is strong and our resolutions need to be REALISTIC. What is it that we want out of 2012 and how can we establish a plan that will insure our success rather than set us up once again for failure? We all enter January with resolve and clear intentions of what we want to achieve, but do we design a plan that supports those ideas? Are those ideas realistic given our starting point? Just last week I celebrated my birthday with a day trip to Kripalu with Cheryl. We spent that day learning, meditating and doing Vigorous Kripalu yoga. Days later my abs are still sore and my mind is still thinking about what we learned. One of our seminars focused on how to keep the Kripalu feeling in our everyday lives. It's easy to feel terrific and eat well when you are on a retreat, but how do we come up with a plan to do this when we are back "in the real world." We discussed the Sanskrit word Sankalpa which is our "will, purpose or determination." When you make a sankalpa you set an intention with a yogic twist. As opposed to a resolution, a sankalpa involves consciously understanding what's behind something rather than focusing on the negative aspects of something (like losing 10 pounds, not yelling at the kids, etc.). Sankalpa focuses on your "being" rather on your "doing" and the greater personal meaning behind what you are working towards. What is it that you really want in the core of your being? So rather than setting a resolution this year, let's design a Sankalpa that involves "Right Action". Let's make a plan that is SMART, (specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and timbebound). Let's revisit it in a week, assess it, tweak it, and recommit to it. Let's be realistic that relapses will happen. I may have already had one relapse (day 2 ugh) ...when I heard myself shouting at my overtired child tonight. It should all be a fluid plan that can be changed and involve treating yourself with compassion. There is no failure. As long as there is intention the Prana (energy) will follow. Here is a quote to keep in mind while you are working on your Sankalpa and your SMART plan. "Whether you've broken the vow 100 times come back the door is always open."-Rumi

Simple Step #1 - The Eyes are the Window to the Soul

At a recent seminar entitled “Living Fearlessly,” I was asked to select a partner, another student in the class who I did not know, and sit face to face with him, knees touching, and take five minutes to simply stare into his eyes.  In the scheme of my daily tasks, this did not seem to be a hard request.  However, I soon found that it was almost impossible.   I could not stare into his eyes for an extended period of time without looking away.  I felt like I was intruding on his personal, private space, as if I was creating an uncomfortable intimacy with a total stranger by peering right into his soul, and allowing him to look into mine.  They say that the eyes are the window to the soul and this exercise seemed to have given me powerful evidence of the truth to that popular proverb. After that class, I was intrigued and began my own personal experiment.  I decided to make a conscious effort to make clear and lasting eye contact with people throughout my day.  The results were quite amazing.  To simply look into my husband’s eyes in the morning and wish him a good day, had a completely different effect than my usual routine of yelling good bye to him while making the children’s lunches as he walks out the door.  Next, I took the time, only a few seconds, to look into my children’s eyes as they went off to school, wishing them a wonderful day.  This was an incredibly loving gesture that warmed my heart, and hopefully warmed theirs as well.

I also noticed that by taking the time to look into my children’s eyes while they were speaking to me made those moment so much more intimate and meaningful.  It allowed me to be present, to truly listen and let them know that they were being heard.  That is an incredible gift that you can give another person, especially your children, just by looking into their eyes.   Of course, this required me to stop texting, to take a break from checking my e-mails or reading the newspaper or cleaning the kitchen.  It required me to be in the moment and truly connect with those around me.  In doing so, I made those daily interactions much less mundane and routine, and much more meaningful and loving.

I didn’t stop there.   I quickly realized that it is quite simple to go through my daily routine without making eye contact with the strangers that I encounter throughout my day.   I could go to the bank, shop at the grocery story, sit through a meeting and never make meaningful eye contact with anyone.  So, I decided to look into the eyes of everyone I came in contact with that day.  The results were amazing.  At my local grocery store, for example, I looked right into the eyes of the cashier and found that she looked right back at me.   That moment was very powerful.  On most days I would help bag the groceries, swipe my card and be on my way.  By taking the time to look into her eyes, I made a brief connection with another human being and saw that she was a loving, caring person with an incredibly rich and complex life.  For that one moment, she saw me and I saw her.   In those few seconds of eye contact, it seemed like everything else stood still.   I can’t accurately describe the feeling I got, but it was quite moving.  When you look into someone’s eye and they look into yours, there seems to be a connection that goes straight to your heart.

We are all moving through life at such a rapid pace that taking a moment to acknowledge the existence of another human being who crosses your path, to truly look at them and acknowledge them, brings greater joy to those seemingly ordinary moments that fill our days, and who wouldn’t want more joy in their lives?

It’s not easy.  I know that I often do not look into other people’s eyes, not because I don’t want to see them, but because I don’t want to be seen.  Allowing someone that access creates a great feeling of vulnerability.  You open yourself up and it can feel scary, intense and awkward.   My meditation teacher asked us to do an exercise that was a little odd, but very telling.  She asked us to go to a mirror, and stare into our own eyes for a while, and tell ourselves, “ I love you.”   It feels very strange and a bit silly, but it is an interesting lesson in learning to love yourself and in really looking inward.  If you cannot do this exercise, then perhaps you should ask yourself why.

So, give it a try and let us know what you find.  I hope it will be a simple step to help you be in the moment, and to truly connect with yourself and all of those amazing people in your life!

This is the first article in a series entitled Simple Steps.  Simple Steps are  little things that we can all do that can really make a difference in our lives.  Check out our complete list of  Simple Steps.

Being Wrong

I love being wrong. I know that sounds so strange and counter intuitive, but my last post was about the garden being finished for the season and I was wrong. Big time wrong. Let me explain, it was a sunny day on Monday and I looked out at the garden that I had yet to clean up and decided not to delay. The sun was shining, the kids where at school and the moment was mine. I ventured into the garden which looked so sad and wilted. All of the energy and life seemed to have been picked from it. I began my ritual of ripping out all of the plants that I had so tenderly planted with such promise and hope. Some had yielded their full potential of edible gifts while others hadn't. As I carelessly walked on top of the raised bed ignoring where I was stepping and hastily making my way through the task of bending and pulling out all of the tomato stakes and remnants of tomato plants this huge patch of lush green weeds caught my eye on the other side of the garden. I couldn't believe I had such a large cluster of weeds that were such a brilliant green color. When I walked over to it to examine it more closely and I was in awe of what I saw. It was a full crop of Broccoli Rabe. One of the crops that I have struggled with the most. Despite the most carefully executed planting, watering and carrying routine time after time I had failed to grow this beloved family favorite. Each year I had experienced another failure from this crop. When I examined it more closely and looked back at my garden notes that I had kept from the start of the season I was even more amazed. It was all completely wrong. It wasn't supposed to be there, that wasn't where I had put it or intended for it to grow. This made the discovery even more profound and perplexing to me. As I contemplated how seeds or plants take root and choose to succeed, I pondered on how some times the things we are sure are right for us do not take root, and the others we are convinced are not right for us on our path take root and thrive. It is so often that a different path appears or something grows where it is not supposed to, but being open to being wrong allows you to see that what was once thought of as a weed is now a luscious gift in life.

Today in the Garden

Today marked what I think is the final day of harvesting from my fall garden.  It's time to say goodbye to lettuce, chard, kale, eggplant, brussell sprouts, dill and rosemary grown in the organic garden and return to buying produce from the farmer's market or traditional market.  I am hopefully the my stock piles of greens will carry us through a few more weeks.  As I picked my last few items with the sun shining down on my garden, I thought back to the success we had this growing season.  This was our first year of the fall planting and it yielded so many gifts as the weather turned cooler by the day. Our normal planting routine always takes place on Mother's Day.  Each year my family endures the Mother's Day ritual of planting our families garden together.  It is a gift we work on giving to each other.  As the primary farmer in the house I require full attendance on planting day.  No organized sports or religious school are allowed to interfere with this sacred time together.  It is a tradition that we have established and it is wonderful to all be outside together in the garden.  We all have our required parts and roles that we play.  My husband makes sure that we don't plant things to closely together, my son works the pick ax through the soil to loosen it for easy planting and my daughter plants the marigolds to keep the pests away and then always disappears to swing her way through the rest of the planting of the swing set I consider getting rid of each spring.

While the sun is shining brightly now, the over night temperatures where at the edge of frost and the garden had seen better days.  While the fall harvest is over, the fall clean up and preparation for next years garden are just beginning.

Each year the garden has grown and so has our pleasure from having it as part of our family.  What once seemed like a herculean task now is a normal part of our spring ritual.  I often meditate while I am watering or working in the garden.  It is so peaceful and serene to be one with nature.  People often ask me what causes everything to grow so well in the garden....I always remark that it is gods work...Sun, Water, Air and the beauty of another day transforms both the garden and us.